Yogurt Will be the Death of Us All

So Gollum hates yogurt. I never knew a woman could hate yogurt so much, but she really does. To understand the following story, a little background: all the windows in this country are doubled. What I mean by this, is that if I were to open a window, I would not get outside, I would get a weird limbo of space, and would in turn have to open a second window to reach outside. Russia claims they have windows like this because of the weather. (Among other things, Russians complain that their windows are one of the reasons why they are so poor because they have to buy two windows, when the rest of the world has to buy only one… Um, what about Canada, last time I checked, they were a pretty cold country, yet seem to have enough money for windows, strange, very strange). Anyway, I wanted to use my limbo window area as a fridge, so I put a thermometer in the space to see if it got cold enough, and well unfortunately it is not quite cold enough. So a few days ago I went to a mega-store, with low low prices and great great deals. I bought a yogurt akin to the US’ “GOgurt” but in a more sturdy container. I love this yogurt. In Russian it is appropriately named *miracle.* I bought two *miracle* yogurts, one for right then and one for later. When I got home from the store, Gollum was nowhere to be found, so I assumed it would be OK to put my yogurt in the fridge, after all, I had already put some food in there before. I must have dozed off, because a few hours later Gollum comes knocking on my door announcing dinner. I aroused myself from my pleasant nap about sunny Cali, and drudged down the dark and gloomy hall for dinner. When I arrived in the kitchen I found Gollum hunched over a light, with her reading specks, reading my yogurt label. When I had first walked into the kitchen, she almost seemed surprised that I had walked in, as if she hadn’t just called me for dinner. She then recovered from her startle, and asked me if the yogurt was mine, to which I responded, DA. She then continues to read my yogurt. Shakes her head a few times, says a few words like “milk” and “cultures” over and over. I politely “ahem” and she again becomes startled, and realizes that I am still in the kitchen (seriously Gollum, don’t play this game of “stupid me, didn’t know Miriam was in the room, just wanted to read the ingredients of her yogurt in front of her and pretend I don’t know she is here, so that I can show her how much I disapprove of her yogurt”….) She asks again if the yogurt is mine, and I tell her again, DA. She then shakes her head again and puts the yogurt on the table.
“But I don’t want to eat that for dinner, it’s for later”
“Oh, I know.” She says, and leaves the yogurt on the table. The whole meal the GOgurt just lingers on the table. Pleading with me, “why did you buy me Miriam, why didn’t you just eat me, this is agony….”
After dinner, she cleans up my dishes and puts the yogurt back in the fridge.
The next day at breakfast, again the yogurt is sitting on the table. And again I tell her that I don’t want the yogurt. It’s for later. (Seriously, the woman is not very bright…)
She begins to make small talk, something about elections and palm trees, I don’t really listen and shake my head at the seemingly appropriate time, but then my ears perk when she starts talking about yogurt.
“I don’t like yogurt. Why did you buy the yogurt? Palm trees are nice this time of year, if you didn’t like my food that much, why didn’t you tell me instead of buying the yogurt. I hope Hilary wins.”
At this point I had to say something.
“I LIKE YOGURT. IT’S A SNACK FOR LATER. ITS DOESN’T REFLECT IN ANYWAY ABOUT YOUR FOOD”
“But yogurt is unhealthy. That is why all the Americans are fat…”
“Because they eat yogurt?….” I almost can’t keep in my laughter at this point.
“Yes. I don’t eat yogurt. Why did you buy the yogurt. Very unhealthy” Gollum begins to pet her remote control nervously.
“I’m sorry. But I like yogurt. And….”
“I won’t buy it.” She finishes
“That’s fine. I will buy it, and I will eat it,” (Me and my fat American self….)
She looks a bit hurt and crushed. The battle has embittered her. But I don’t care. I want to eat the yogurt, and I don’t care how much she butters me up with talk about palm trees, I am still going to buy it. It is ridiculous that she had the nerve to bring up her disgust for my yogurt on two separate occasions. I get it Gollum, you don’t like yogurt, you think I am going to die a fat woman as a result of my tumultuous love affair with yogurt. It’s a risk I am willing to take. Brace yourself.